Perhaps this guy was tired, maybe having a bad day, and hopefully he doesn’t leave this type of message regularly.

Or maybe he does.

Take a listen.

Horrible Voice Message

What do you think?

Better yet, what is your process and best practices with leaving messages?

The post below is also one of my contributions to a great sales book, “Top Dog Recession-Busting Sales Secrets.” It also contains the sales wisdom of 50 other leading experts. You get real-world street smart advice that is unconditionally guaranteed to help you sell more…even in a down economy.

Spend 30 minutes with this book and you’ll understand why Fortune 500 companies have paid these experts millions.

When you get your copy you’ll also get Jeffrey Gitomer’s “Little eBook of Closing” AND “Recession-Proof Business Strategies” Free E-Book from Bob Bly.

I think you’ll find this offer well worth investigating.

See it here.

On to the post…

Show Them the Money to Make More Of Your Own

Once into his questioning, the sales rep asks,

“So you’re finding that the last stage of the manufacturing process is a challenge?”

Prospect: “Well, yeah, we’re having to do a few repetitive tasks to get it done.”

Rep: “We have software that can make that job easier and it’s only five thousand dollars.”

Prospect: “Five thousand just for making that part easier. That’s crazy.”

So what happened here?

The sales rep uncovered a problem. However, he was so eager to talk about how his product solved that problem, he failed to continue walking the prospect down the path to realizing what the problem was costing him. He didn’t see the problem as being painful enough in the short or long term.

For most business-to-business transactions, it’s all about the money. The return on investment. It’s pretty simple: You will always sell more when you help the prospect or customer understand the cost of the problem or potential problem, and then the payoff of the solution and/or the result of taking action.

“Dollarize” the Situation
In his great book, How to Become a Rainmaker, Jeffrey Fox calls it “Dollarizing.” He says, “Rainmakers don’t sell fasteners or valves or washing machines or double-paned windows or tax audits or irrigation systems or training programs or golf clubs. Rainmakers sell money! They sell reduced downtime, fewer repairs, better gas mileage, higher deposit interest, increased output, decreased energy usage, more wheat per acre, more yardage per swing.”

When you analyze it, we buy things because the price we pay for something is perceived as being less than the dollar value we attach to the result. Our job, then, is to be sure the prospect realizes that the value of the result is high and the price is low.

The classic book, SPIN Selling uses the term, “Implication Questions.” It’s taking a problem that a buyer perceives to be small (or nonexistent in some cases) and building it up in a problem large enough to justify action. Using the earlier example and dollarizing with implication questions we could get a different result:

Prospect: “Well, yeah, we’re having to do a few repetitive tasks to get it done.”

Rep: “What do you have to do?”

Prospect: “In the final stage, one of the operators has to go back and re-input the command codes to keep the line moving.”

Rep: “Please explain.”

Prospect: “He has to leave his main station, move over to the other console, input the codes he already put in, and then go back to his position.”

Rep: “How often is that happening?”

Prospect: “Geesh, over a hundred times a day?”

Rep: “Isn’t that slowing up the line and cutting down production?”

Without belaboring the point, you can see where the rep is going with this–ultimately, he would get the prospect to tell him exactly how much lost production is costing the company every day!

Extrapolating that out over the course of a year might mean hundreds of thousands in lost profits. Now then, wouldn’t that $5000 software be a no-brainer?

Monetize and Quantify
Whenever you uncover a problem, a pain, or a desire, attach numbers and dollars to it. For example,

“How much is that costing you?”

“How many?”

“How often does it happen?”

“What are the other expenses involved?”

There are hundreds of questions that could apply. Matter of fact, you should define them for yourself.

Your Action Step
Pull out a legal pad. At the top of the first page, describe a result of your product or service, such as,

“High quality plastic, meaning fewer returns due to defects.”

Then, list all the possible costs of returns due to defects for a customer, such as customer service phone time to take the call, cost of replacement part, all shipping costs, return of defective part, possible lost sales because of poor quality, and more.

Finally, develop questions designed to get your prospects and customers talking about the problem. Take it further and brainstorm for the possible answers, and your next questions to keep them talking, and attaching costs to the problem, and the payoff for a solution. Rinse and repeat.

Start new pages for each of your results.

Just think of what lost sales might be costing you now, and how much more you could make by doing this.

(This appears in the new book, Top Dog Recession-Busting Sales Secrets, along with the sales wisdom of　50 other leading experts.

See it here, along with how you can get the free bonuses.

While there I bumped into a friend I’ve never met in person, Michael Angelo Caruso.  I subscribe to lots of email publications and feeds…too many to read them all. One that I do read all of the time, because it is so quick, easy, and informative is his "Five Cool Ideas" and is just that, five cool ideas on a different topic each time.

Here’s a recent one that is especially relevant for those of us using the phone in prospecting and sales.

Five Cool Ides For Better Listening
by Michael Angelo Caruso

Listening is a fantastic skill to develop because it can pay such big dividends. Listening skills can reduce stress, improve relationships, help you remember names, save time and of course, sell more. Here are 5 Cool Ideas for better listening.

1. Good listeners practice listening.
Use your new skills to impress friends, business associates and yourself. I once earned a speaking engagement from The Nation, the preeminent newspaper of Barbados by remembering the name of Executive Editor Roxanne Gibbs 20 minutes after meeting her and 30 other people.

2. Use simple life moments to listen better.
Stop singing in the shower once in a while and listen. Listen to how the water sounds as it falls around you. Try to identify seven or eight different types of sounds. This simple exercise will teach you to hear nuances in group dynamics and in telephone conversations.

3. Listen to the bass line instead of the lyric.
When in the car, listen to songs you don’t normally listen to. Listen to the musical arrangement instead of the lyrics. Try to identify the different instruments in the arrangement. Try listening to just one of the instruments, like the bass guitar.

4. Turn down the noise and tune in to life.
When you really start to pay attention to sound, you’ll become aware of all the noise in our world. Block out some of the noise by wearing ear protection when flying, using vacuum cleaners and operating snow blowers. Listen to the important things and tune out extraneous offerings, like chatter. I remember being on a hike in the African bush. There was no traffic. There were no airplanes overhead and there was no electricity buzzing from nearby wires. All we could hear were birds chirping, the rustle of small rodents and a fellow hiker who would not shut his mouth.
 
5. Reflective listening promotes connectivity.
Reflective listening is a way to show regard for the speaker. By giving "verbal nods" such as saying "I see," "Interesting," "Hmmm,"you relay encouragement to the speaker and promote connectivity. It’s like eye contact and nodding your head in person. Taking notes when people talk to you is also a good listening habit. Don’t hesitate to ask people to repeat themselves. Ask immediately so you don’t feel embarrassed by asking later on.

(Sign up to get Michael Angleo Caruso’s Five Cool Ideas email at www.MichaelAngeloCaruso.com   )

* drive a 1995 Taurus,

* live in a pop-up trailer at a campground,

* wear clothes purchased exclusively from thrift stores, and,

* eat only Ramen noodles?

Didn’t think so.

When you have a few extra fun bucks (or room on your credit card) do you run down to Wal-Mart and stock up on hand soap, toothbrushes, or laundry detergent maybe?Of course not.

And you’re like everyone else, including your prospects and customers. Which means that you just don’t buy what you need to survive. You buy what you want. (I don’t think most of the 3 million people who bought the new iPad over the weekend really needed it desperately.)

And an even stronger motivator is taking action based on what you value.

I’ve long taught that the best way to sell is to understand what motivates buyers, then help them experience those feelings in advance. This creates the desire to take action.

Struggling reps, on the other hand, approach calls with the intention of spraying their message out there, hoping they’ll hit upon someone who will buy.

And when resistance occurs, they fire back with objection rebuttals, which I call “Objection Headbuttals,” because it’s like butting your head against a brick wall when you use them.

You’ve probably experienced the frustration of selling just to needs. Think about the prospect you proved you could help save a bazillion dollars a year, increase market share by 75%, decrease turnover to virtually zero, and eliminate customer complaints, but still didn’t buy. You sulked around, shaking your head in disbelief, emitting primal-like noises in frustration, muttering,

“What an ignoramus this person is! I can’t understand why he’s not buying.”

Probably because you talked about your reasons for buying, not his.

Wants-Based Questioning
After you’ve generated interest with your opening, asked your basic questions, and built rapport, you need to get into the real reasons they buy.

Their wants.

Use questions such as,
“What, ideally, do you want the end result to be?”

“How would you measure satisfaction after you’ve used it?”

“If budget were not a concern, what would you get?”

Values-Based Questioning
What do your prospects and customers value?

What do you value?
Delve into someone’s values, their core beliefs, and you’ll know what really drives them.

Money isn’t everything, and I enjoy it as much or more than the next guy, and often joke that it ranks right up there with food and oxygen as a priority. But over the years I have turned down many training projects because of many reasons…when my kids were at home some of the dates conflicted with my kids’ sporting events, a remote location would have required too much time in little planes and rental cars, I didn’t think I’d have fun doing the project, and other reasons.

I need money. I want money. But what I really value, and all the feelings that go with it drives my decisions and behaviors. Values override needs and wants, for you, me, and your prospects and customers.

Once you’ve reached the comfort level with a prospect/customer where rapport and trust have been built, it’s appropriate to ask questions that examine their innermost core beliefs, their values. For example,

“What’s most important to you about this project?”

“What will getting this project done the way you want it mean to you?”

Then, listen for the answers, and layer more questions to gain further insight. For example, if they say, “Well, it’ll mean I’ll come in under budget,” dig deeper:

“And what’s important to you about that?”

Again, for questions like these to work, the rapport must be there. I chide sales reps constantly for asking–too early in an initial sales call– “So what’s important to you in a bathroom cleaning supplies vendor?”

It typically gets a “Whaddya nuts or somethin?”-type answer, and deservedly so. It forces the prospect to think too much. As if the prospect places his bathroom cleaning supplies at the top of the things he lusts for daily. But, after the rapport is there, it’s not so awkward to ask,

“Bruno, I know this is just one of the many responsibilities you have, but I want to make sure I’m giving you the best recommendation possible. So tell me, what’s most important to you about the maintenance of your facilities?”

Make it a goal to question for, and to understand the wants and values of your buyers. You’ll build more trust, and have longer lasting customer relationships.

However, exploring other options, he quickly regrouped and sent in a late application to Columbia, where two investment experts that he admired were teaching. He was accepted. There he learned the values and principles that guided his investing.

Today he is the second wealthiest man in America and the most famous stock investor in the world. Of course I’m talking about fellow Omaha native, Warren Buffet. (No, I do not know him, and he does not call me for advice.)

Buffet is a big believer in looking for the opportunities in setbacks. Which is what all great salespeople do as well.

In a Wall Street Journal article, Buffet said,
"The truth is, everything that has happened in my life…that I thought was a crushing event at the time, has turned out for the better."

He said that with the exception of health problems, setbacks teach "lessons that carry you along. You learn that a temporary defeat is not a permanent one. In the end, it can be an opportunity."

Buffet has many examples of negatives becoming positives. He said when he was young he was terrified of public speaking–so much that he sometimes threw up before an address. Knowing he needed to do something, he enrolled in a Dale Carnegie speaking course, and says the skills he learned there enabled him to woo his future wife, who was a champion debater.

"I even proposed to my wife during the course," he said. "If I had been only a mediocre speaker I might have not taken it," meaning that the extreme negativeness of the situation is what resulted in the positive.

I have a process I have used for many years that enables me to keep my own personal attitude up during even the most difficult situations, find positives in negatives, and although it sounds cliché, turn problems into opportunities. I believe it would do the same for you.

Two Magic Questions
Whenever you experience something that you perceive as being negative–many fall into this category… really now, many people blow things way out of proportion–or, you are faced with something that truly is devastating, take a deep breath, stop, clear your mind, then ask yourself these two questions:

Begin implementing these two questions today, and I know you will view things differently, and see more opportunities where they might not have been there otherwise.

Eliminating "Rejection"
How about never experiencing "rejection" again in sales?

That’s in the title of three of my books, and I’ve been berated by critics over the years for making that claim. Of course, those people never took the time to read the part of the books where I show exactly how you can avoid rejection. I’ll give you the simple process right now.

What is rejection anyway?

Is it a ‘no’ you hear at the beginning of a call? Is it losing out on a competitive proposal. Is it being hung up on?
If you think it is, it is. Now, I’m not going to get all out-there-philosophical on you, but let’s keep this simple:

More than almost any other profession, how you feel when you are performing your job affects your outcome. Coupled with the fact that all day long we proactively put ourselves in situations where the outcome may not be the one we desire, there’s little wonder most people would never consider sales as a career, and many have left because they couldn’t handle what they defined as "rejection." This underscores the need to follow processes like I’ve outlined.

You are a special person for doing what you do. To continue surviving, thriving, and ensuring you will have your best year ever, implement these ideas for turning challenges into opportunities, and never experiencing rejection again!!

Usually at our meetings everyone shares ideas about what’s working for them in their business, marketing, sales, operations, technology, latest must-read books, etc. At this meeting, one of our members, Mark LeBlanc, http://www.markleblanc.com/, a small business success expert, conducted the entire program. Although I took pages of notes, just a few key points will put a lot of money in my pocket, and might for you as well.

In my case, I wear so many hats, perform so many roles, and get torn in so many directions I often feel like I’m running in place, and in circles. Mix in my self-diagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder, and that’s a recipe for reaching the end of some of the rare days that I’m in my office, where, although there might have been a whirlwind of activity, I just say to myself, "What did you REALLY get done?"

Perhaps you have been there. Or are there.

I won’t go through Mark’s entire system, but will share a key piece, what you can do as a sales person that might help you sharpen your focus (if you need it) and reach new levels.

1. Set your Optimistic Number for the month. This is the sales number you optimistically would like to reach every month. Stretch a little, but make it realistic. You probably have this now as a quota or goal.

2. At the beginning of each day, ask yourself, "What am I doing today to book my Optimistic Number?"

3. At the end of each day, ask, "What did I DO today to book my Optimistic Number?"

4. Build your day around at least three High Value Activities that are focused on reaching your optimistic number. This might seem simplistic to some people, but when we really analyze our activities, not everything we do every day contributes to actually reaching our numbers. You determine what yours are. You might realize that sending emails, Tweeting, going on Facebook, etc. is not directly contributing to reaching your number.

5. Every DAY, update your scorecard that shows your results towards your Optimistic Number.

Fairly simple process. What struck me is that it provides the framework for focus, accountability,and self-motivation.

Adapt this as you see it applying to you. And especially if you are a small business professional, check out Mark’s site and resources http://www.markleblanc.com/

To download it, simply go to http://www.businessbyphone.com/motivational-quotes.htm
 
The catch? There is none. Free is good sometimes. (Read the book, "Free: The Future of a Radical Price," by Chris Anderson.) I do ask that if you like it, you pass the link around to others. Not the ebook, the link, OK?

They can be very profitable.

Oh, I’m talking about YOU doing an annual review  of your customer and prospect database, and then doing reviews with your customers and prospects.
That’s right. The first place to mine for gold is in the treasure you now possess.

Most people begin a new year with grand plans to increase their new business. Yet many of those same people don’t pick up the easy stuff first, skimming  the cream that already residing in their computer. This is an area we often cover in my training workshops for clients.

Here’s how.
 
1. CALL YOUR BEST CUSTOMERS
Of course, you know everything important that’s happened recently in the world of each of your best customers, right?
 
And you have your thumb on exactly what their plans are for 2012 and beyond, right?
 
And they’re going to continue buying from you at the same level, right?
 
Of course you know this because they are very, very important to you, accounting for most of your income.

They are helping to finance that new car, house, boat, or whatever else you have your eye on.
 
You are ingrained in these accounts because you also know that your smartest, hungriest competitors are having strategic sales meetings right now putting bulls eyes on those accounts, targeting them to steal away from you, so that THEY can get lots of business from them.
 
What’s that you say?
 
Maybe all of those things are NOT true? Maybe you should pay more attention to them?
 
Yes, of course you should. Quickly.
 
Today. Target the 20% of your customers that now give you over 80% of your business. Call and do an annual review
with them. But DO NOT say you just want to call and make sure everything is OK with them. Be proactive. Tell them that your goal is to help them have their best year ever.
 
Find out about,
 
-Major changes.

-News.

-Bought or sold divisions, assets.

-Added or dropped product lines.

-Major initiatives.

-Changes planned for 2011.

-Personnel changes for them? Promotions. Changes in the department(s) that you affect.
 
Know the answers to these questions, and you’ll increase your value to them, consequently providing a payoff for you.

2. CALL YOUR SMALL CUSTOMERS
Mine your database and pull out the customers who bought from you once, or those who just buy one or two items or limited single services from you.
 
Are you customers small because you THINK they are?
 
Or are they buying other things that you sell from your competitors?
 
Chances are, the answer is "yes" to both questions.
 
3. CALL YOUR LOST SALES
Scan your database and pull out the 10-20 biggest sales you really wanted, worked hard for, but did NOT win in 2011. Call them.
 
But, please, do NOT say,
 
"I’m just calling to touch base."
 
Review your notes and develop a value-added reason for calling. Say something like,
 
"I came across some interesting information in Info Industry Journal, and remembered how you were concerned with the issue of external data security locking in a multi-user environment. I wanted to send that to you …"
 
Of course you would then ease into a discussion of their present situation, and perhaps uncover any possible areas of dissatisfaction.

Calls to all three of these groups are really no-brainers!

Think about it …

 …you’ve already done the heavy lifting with all of these people. You’ve put in the long hours, investing time and  money in proposals and calls. You know their situation. And very importantly, you’ll get to these people more easily
than you would cold prospects. You probably know their executive assistants on a first name basis.

Try this. What will it be worth when you pick up a  piece of business from one or two of them?

With any business, making mistakes with customers is inevitable. Every good customer service training program or expert will agree that the key to minimizing damage and maintaining customer goodwill is in the proactive steps the business takes to recover.

Here is an update to my situation, and some observations.

Todd Goldman, one of the managing partners of Zipps, posted a message to “Customer and Inquisitors” on my blog on Wednesday. You can read it yourself in the Comments section in the original post and form your own opinions. I was not personally contacted  prior to that posting on my blog.

Mr. Goldman did send me a personal email of apology later that evening. He has asked that I keep the gist of that communication between us, and I will honor that. 

I replied, and also explained that for over 28 years my focus has been on helping businesses, not trying to tear them down. As I reiterated, I said in the article I was a fan, and a big customer of Zipps and Goldies. And I had never done anything like this before. Because I had never experienced anything before so outrageous, that was such an egregious example of customer mistreatment. I explained I did have some issues with what was said in the apology email. I also provided my office and cell numbers.  

I quickly received another thoughtful reply, via email, again apologizing, promising everyone involved on their end had been dealt with, and that they will certainly use this as a learning experience. He seems like a very good guy, and I believe that lessons have been learned and actions have been taken. They obviously are a successful business, and are doing a lot of things right.

He also invited me to contact them if I’d like to talk to them .  

In conclusion, do I have a warm and fuzzy feeling about them now and will I be going back?

Probably not in the short term. They are very steadfast in defending their Split Policy, as you can see in their response. Just as it is their right– or my right, or anyone’s right who owns a business– to charge whatever they choose, however they choose, it is a customer’s right to not patronize a business. I have a fundamental problem with a quota being placed on the number of items customers must order lest they be assessed a fee, regardless of whether any additional value is provided. Despite their assertion that this is an "absolute standard in the industry," in my experience it is not. Or perhaps the hundreds of places I’ve been in, or the restaurant owners and service workers I’ve talked to over the past few days are not part of the standard. I think split charges are a bargain when the customer agrees to and wants the added value if provided, but I resent a mandated “Sharing” charge, just like I resent a “Resort Fee” at a hotel when I don’t use any other service besides the room, or the hundreds of ticky tac charges assessed on cable and phone bills.

And maybe I’m naive, but I’m shocked at some of the comments that were attempted at the blog. More than a few started out with, “I wasn’t there, but…”, “I’d don’t know for sure what happened there, but”, and then they went on to describe how hostile and out of control I acted. They said they “heard” this from the other customers who were there. Actually, there were THREE other people at the bar. The guy at the far end whom I described and had asked me about the situation, and the woman next to me and her friend, whom I also mentioned as sharing her horror story with me. There were a few others scattered in booths away from the area who couldn’t have possibly heard anything. And by the way it was mid-afternoon, not night time, as one person described, since he was in there “minutes after Art left that evening.”  

And after all of this with the apology,  one more surprising thing was just was brought to my attention moments ago: Ironic how on Zipps own Facebook page they have just posted how I am deleting comments on MY blog from their supporters. Remember, I was asked to leave their place for talking to customers.  The unfortunate event last Saturday happened exactly as I described it, and I refute any insinuation that I acted any way other than described, and certainly won’t allow any speculation to the contrary be posted on my forum.

I am now officially worn out from this entire episode. I have a business to run, and need to find a place to have a burger–maybe a whole one– and a beer.

I wouldn’t fault you if you don’t believe what you’re about to read. It is such an outrageous and bizarre example of customer treatment–I can’t even call it "service"–that I might not have believed it myself. Except I experienced it last Saturday.

First, some background.

Zipps is a local, popular chain of sports bars in the Phoenix/Scottsdale area. I have visited several of their locations regularly over the past few years, including their original place, Goldie’s. Their food is a notch above typical sports bar fare, they have lots of TV’s, and a fun atmosphere. My friends and I watch plenty of sports, we enjoy the beverages sports fan typically consume, and have spent a nice amount with them on food and drinks over the years.

Not anymore.

Last Saturday afternoon a friend and I stopped at the Zipps on Via de Ventura road in Scottsdale. We ordered a couple of drinks and chicken wings. We played some shuffleboard, then decided to get a burger. Just one, since neither of us wanted a whole one. I told the bartender/waitress that we were just going to split a burger. She said,

"OK, there will be a split charge, and you get another side. "

I told her that we didn’t want another side. In fact we didn’t even care for a single side, and that they didn’t need to split the burger.

Now, call me crazy, but it seems that a reasonable service person would have said, "No problem." Done deal. End of story. Thanks for the order.

I’ve eaten at some of the nicest, most expensive restaurants in the country. Some have split charges, some don’t. When they do charge, typically they nicely divide and plate one dinner into two, often giving larger portions than if you had just ordered one dinner. I don’t have a problem with that. That’s a value-add, and if they want to charge for it, and the customer is agreeable to buying it, so be it. And if Zipps wants to charge for cutting a burger in half, and adding fries or slaw, that’s fair. But if a customer doesn’t want to buy that option, they shouldn’t have to, right?

I just wanted the single burger, no sides. She insisted that she had to assess the split charge. It was "policy," and she had to follow the rules. I replied again that I just wanted one burger, one plate, not cut, no sides. She was adamant: she had to charge me since we were splitting it.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Trying to reason with her, I again said, "OK then, no other person will touch my burger. I,personally will just order one hamburger. I will not share it."

She told me she couldn’t do that.

Again, flabbergasted, but in control and not acting rude or raising my voice in any way, I said, almost in a begging tone, "You won’t sell me a single hamburger?"

"You already said you are splitting it."

Are you following the absurdity of all this so far? I am trying TO ORDER A HAMBURGER FROM A PLACE THAT SELLS HAMBURGERS and not be charged extra for something I do not want!

I then attempted to put things in perspective for her: I asked what happens when someone orders a takeout burger… does she demand to know how many people will be eating it when they get home, and then assess an extra charge? I wondered aloud if she was going to charge extra because TWO of us ate the chicken wings. What if an entire table gets one order of onion rings? Apparently that logic was a bit too much for her to process. She reluctantly put the order in for the burger.

Laughing off the entire experience, we then passed more time at the shuffleboard table. Minutes later, a guy who identified himself as the manager came up to us and said, "Excuse me, I understand you have an issue with our split charge policy."

A bit shocked that it actually escalated to this level, I smiled and said, "Well, fundamentally I do have a problem with a split charge if I do not want the burger split regardless of what I decide to do with it after I get it, and don’t want the extra sides."

"That’s policy. That’s what she’s instructed to do."

"I think it’s stupid, and the fact that the bartender would take it so far is horrible customer service, and that you now are even talking to me about it raises it to an entirely new level of outrageousness."

He proceeded to defend their policy, mentioned something about their food costs (like that is something I really care about?), and was essentially treating me like I was a difficult, unreasonable customer. Please understand, in my business I deal with more bad service than the typical consumer because of the number of flights I take, and hotels, car rental companies, and restaurants I have done business with over the past 28 years. My "policy" is to always give the service provider the benefit of the doubt, and let most things slide. However, in this case, I was now pushed to a place that I rarely enter: "Look, this is ridiculous. I’m going to talk to your CEO and discuss your policy and the treatment we’re getting."

He handed me his card and said the corporate address was on there.

No, I told him I needed the name of the CEO.

He refused.

I persisted. "What? You don’t know it, or you won’t give it to me?"

"I won’t do that."

This was getting more bizarre.

"You’re telling me that you won’t give me the name of your CEO? I can find it in a few minutes on my iPhone if I need to. How will he or she react when I say you would not give a customer his or her name?""

He finally relented, gave me the name, and walked away.

As you might imagine, my friend and I are now having one of those "That really didn’t just happen?" discussions. A guy sitting at the bar within earshot of the interaction with the manager said, "Wow, that was weird. What was that about?" I explained what happened with the burger. He couldn’t believe it either. Again, I was calm and quiet, actually laughing at the inanity of the entire situation.

The manager reappeared and interrupted. "Sir, if you talk badly about us to other customers I am going to have to ask you to leave."

Now I REALLY couldn’t comprehend what was happening.

It was becoming a bit more difficult to maintain composure, but thankfully I did. "What?! You are now threatening to kick me out of here, FOR TALKING TO A GUY AT THE BAR?"

"I can’t have you badmouthing us to customers."

I replied, "He asked me a question, I answered, we talked. Can you please tell me what I said to badmouth you?"

He had nothing.

"Is repeating your own ‘policy’ badmouthing you?"

He walked away.

At this point, the hamburger–that’s hamburGER. One. Singular. Not halved–arrived at our spot at the bar. We sat down. I began eating it. Alone. A knife was conspicuously absent.

Given the surreal situation up to this point, I am now thinking that I had some great material for an article and blog post. I wanted more background. I was curious about the bartender’s thought process and what really motivated her to make this an issue to begin with.

"Excuse me, just wondering, I have to ask you… why did you go to the manager with this little split charge thing?"

She responded, "It’s policy. I could lose my job."

"Seriously? You’re trained to agitate customers with something as small as this?"

Brace yourself for this one. You might even want to grab a chair. She said, a bit indignantly,

"Yeah, we’re on to the little games customers play. We know how they try to get around things."

For one of the few times in my life, I was actually speechless. That couldn’t possibly be part of their culture, could it? This chain won Sports Bar of the Year in 2011 from the local paper. I mean, really, what would training look like for that?

"Ok, class, now for the lesson on how you need to keep an eye on those diabolical, sneaky customers. They will try to rip you off at every opportunity."

A woman sitting just to the right of me at the bar witnessed this brief interaction. She leaned over and whispered, "You know, that’s pretty typical here. They are so cheap. I refused to come here for two years. I sent my salad back one time and they made me feel like a fool."

I asked why she was there now. "I really like the food." She spoke in a low voice, as if she was afraid SHE would be kicked out. Reminded me of the Soup Nazi episode from Seinfeld. She obviously had experience with the way they treat customers who talk amongst themselves.

Did I mention you might not believe what I’m writing? But wait. There’s more.

The manager interrupted my brief conversation with my barstool neighbor.

"I’m sorry sir…" Ahh, finally he had come to his senses and wanted to apologize.

"… I am going to ask you to pay your bill and leave."

I kid you not. "You’re not serious, right?"

"I am asking you to pay your tab and leave."

"Really? Why?"

"I already told you I can’t have you talking badly about us to our customers."

Apparently it is OK for THEM to abuse and insult a customer. But the thought or perception that said customer could actually tell another customer/victim about it before THEY get to them, themselves, well, that crosses the line.

I knew he could not have possibly heard my conversation with this woman. Plus, I was LISTENING to her. I said, "Can you please tell me exactly what I said that you interpreted as talking badly about you?"

He was now visibly shaken by the entire interaction. "I am not going to go there with you. I am asking you to leave."

Please note that I am still reasonably calm, and definitely not speaking more loudly than I normally would to someone on the other side of a bar. (Not that I didn’t feel like screaming out what an idiot I thought he was.) "Let me be sure I’m correct here. This all started with me wanting a single hamburger, and not being forced to pay extra for something I do not want. Then you confronted me about it, unnecessarily in my opinion. In front of another customer, I might add. Then you threatened to, and now actually are kicking me out for talking to two customers who initiated conversation with me. But, you can’t tell me anything I said that violates your rules. Do I have that right?"

He said, "We reserve the right to refuse service for whatever reason we choose."

Got it. Now THERE’s a customer-oriented policy. I should remind you, this is a bar. It is usually common for people to talk there. In most places, to each other. You should be able to do so without the fear of being asked to leave, right?

Still trying to give this guy a shot to redeem himself, I said, "Seriously, you are kicking me out?"

"I am asking you to pay your bill and leave."

He obviously was skilled at memorizing phrases and repeating them. As for thinking for himself, well, that’s another story. (An Enterprise Rental Car commercial running right now focuses on how ANY of their employees can make a decision to make something right for a customer. Hey Zipps corporate folks: give it a look. Good stuff.)

"But you still can’t tell me why I’m being kicked out, right?"

Manager: "You’re making a scene."

Unbelievable. I take a cleansing breath, and speak at a slow pace, since anything faster he might not be able to comprehend: "I’m calmly asking you questions that you won’t answer about why you are actually expelling a good customer. That’s a scene?"

Silly me, I should have known the answer. "I am asking you to pay your bill and leave."

Since I was already being banished from the premises, being the horrible nuisance that I apparently was, I asked, "If I refused to leave, would you call the police."

"If that’s what I needed to do"

The thought actually crossed my mind for a fleeting moment: how much fun I could have with that juicy one. Getting arrested over not wanting my hamburger cut in half. We could video it. That’s viral YouTube stuff. Then I thought better. I didn’t have the energy or the inclination to be on the news for something so stupid. Worse, it could backfire. I could just see the legendary Sheriff Joe himself showing up and dragging me off, in shackles, to Tent City. I’d be thrown in with the other lowlifes… maybe people who got caught using too many sugar packets. You never know.

Finally, I gave up and let him run my credit card. Common sense, good judgment, and reasonableness would get me nowhere with someone who wasn’t also using those principles.

And it’s notable that during this entire time I did not use the "Do you know who I am?"-card. Not that he would actually care that an accounting of this story might have the potential to be read by hundreds of thousands of people–actually more as it gets passed on and reprinted. And that many of those could be customers. Or former customers. Or that his actions would be used as an example of what not to do in customer service training programs all over the world. Nope, I didn’t want to overload him with that information. He was already shaking, and way in over his head. Instead, I simply said to him, "My name and company name are on that credit card if you care to check me out."

While signing the bill (which to their credit, surprisingly, did not include a split charge), with him staring very uncomfortably at me, as if I might try something dangerously crazy like, oh, darting over to a table and taking a bite of someone else’s burger, I said, "I’m not penalizing your bartender for this, by the way." I left a 20% tip, as I typically do.

If you saw the movie, "Pretty Woman," perhaps you remember the scene where Julia Roberts’ character, Vivian, who was initially treated badly by the snobby boutique saleswoman, then returned after she spent thousands of dollars elsewhere. I said something similar as I handed him the signed receipt: "Big mistake. Big. Huge!!"

Observations

-Someone at Neighborhood Restaurants LLC, the owners of Zipps, HAS to be smart enough to grasp the concept of the "Lifetime Value of a Customer." Meaning that if a customer spends, oh, let’s say $50 on a visit, and maybe pops in once a month (probably more often for good customers), that customer is worth at least $600 yearly. Multiply that by three, five, ten or more years to get the Lifetime Value. When you lose a customer, because of something stupid…ouch! I don’t know about you, but as a business owner I’d rather have that money than not.

-You’ve heard the saying about when a customer receives bad service, they tell something like 10-20 other people, right? I’ve already told a couple of my good friends who also go to Zipps. Correction–used to go. There are lots of other places that will be happy to have our money.

-Oh, another small repercussion that usually doesn’t happen when a customer is wronged, but, it’s always a possibility, since you never know who you’re dealing with: I’m also telling at least 70,000 on my email newsletter subscriber list, Tweeting it, Facebooking it, and putting it on my blog. Probably putting it on Yelp and Google reviews too. And I hope you share it with lots of people. Please pass it along. It’s an entertaining story. It’s better than anything I could create on my own.

-I thought about sending this to Zipps’ corporate and the CEO first to get their reaction. Naahh. Anyone that has such an asinine policy in place, and actually drills it into their workers’ minds to the point that they enforce it so zealously deserves to have it publicized. It’ll get to them eventually. I’ll be surprised if they actually care.

- at the Goldie’s website, the sister bar to Zipps, under the "Philosophy" tab, the last line says, "In the end, our philosophy is a simple one- Give the people what they want!" Add your own punchline here.

-I’m not looking for any compensation from Zipps for my bad experience, nor will I accept any. (Well, food and beer for five years would be nice…NO, I can’t be bought!) If they want to make things right, I’d like to see them do what any reasonable establishment does: apply the split charge ONLY WHEN THE CUSTOMER WANTS THE SPLIT! Train everyone on it. And add a policy allowing employees to make an independent decision.

-I added this point after I had written the bulk of this article, and shared the story with a few people right before you saw it: One friend said that he and his buddies experienced exactly the same thing at another Zipps location. A restaurant owner/friend said one of his customers, a CEO of a multi-million dollar company, was also kicked out of a Zipps for a similar reason. At least they seem to be consistent in the enforcement of their policies.

By the way, are you wondering about the split charge causing this entire circus?

$1.50.